Malaclypse the Seeker

02:45 am - [MINISTORY] Tales From the Day Job

Not exactly a review of the new movie, but it's the first thing that popped into my head other than "wow!" --Mal

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Date: 22 May 2008
To: The Ever-Living Lords of All They Survey
From: Senior Agent Seeker, Who Refuses to Die No Matter How Hard You Hit Him
Re: Recent influence on popular entertainment

Allright, fess up: which one of you fuckers leaked my journal to Spielberg? Here I am, going out to see a movie with a girl and lo & behold there's that spate of lunacy in Bolivia in '70 plastered on the big screen, only with Harrison Ford taking my place. There's way too many notes that ring true for it to be a coincidence, and don't give me that "latent sensitive collective unconscious" line; I know full well that both Spielberg and Lucas rate a flat zero on the psi scales. Somebody leaked. I'd like to know who, so I can work them over with a pair of rusty pliers and maybe one of the crystal skulls we have in storage.

Also, if the end of the picture is one of your bastards' attempt to send me a message, a) you have way too much time on your hands, and b) my personal life is none of your fucking business, thank you very fucking much.

--Seeker

01:26 pm - [MINISTORY] Tales From the Day Job

No JU4 notes, but here's a little bit of Mal backstory to keep you entertained.

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Date: 21 June 1985
To: The Masters of the World, Keepers of the Secrets, They Who Put The Bomp In The Bomp-A-Bomp-A-Bomp
From: Agent Seeker
Re: Latest Job - PRIORITY

The operation was completed as per instructions. The Terror of Camp Whateverthefuck has been contained and is ready for pickup & disposal. Based on my initial and final encounters with the thing, it looks like an ISO standard vengance golem with a thing for woodworking tools. The holy blast furnace in Cairo should be able to destroy both flesh and undead spirit without any significant difficulty; I'd have tried it here but there wasn't a handy supply of refractive brick to make the Seal of Solomon out of.

Civilian casualties are light, thank Lovecraft's withered testicles. Unfortunately they're also all of the "gruesome ax-murderer" variety, which means things are a little twitchy here. And before you start yelling about letting the mundanes see what we're up to, let me remind you that a) I was sent out here to protect these people, and b) I spent the best part of a week keeping that goddamned thing occupied before it finally started to turn on the kids.

Right now, I'm keeping them occupied with the usual goverment agency BS, and it's working so far. I can probably keep it up until we get a team out here to do a usual wipe-n-replace. Hell, if we can spare a couple class 1 necromancers in the next 48 hours we could revive the casualties and then pretend none of this ever happened except for the psychic backwash in the area.

Speaking of psychic backwash, I'm appending quickie dossiers on the survivors. Subject L seems to have a bit of a sixth sense, saw the bogey coming and actually managed to score a few hits on it before I managed to lure the bastard into the binding seal. Subject W has a bit of real occult knowledge too, apparently. Nothing worth acting on right now, but I recommend putting a watch on the both of them for potential recruitment later.

Send my backup ASAP.

--Agent Seeker

10:59 am - [Story] [Antifanfic] It come like a flash -- like a vision, burnt across the clouds.

So... yeah.

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Regime Change

Nicolae Carpathia stared at the three advisors his deputy had presented. A somewhat disreputable looking group, the one male advisor had the buttoned-down tweedy look of an Oxford scholar, marred only by the vicious scar that ran down the left side of his face. To his left, an auburn-haired woman fidgeted uncomfortably in her business suit, while to his right a tall brunette stared owlishly at the soon-to-be Supreme Potentate.

Not the kind of advisors he had expected, but Fortunato had recommended them, and Fortunato hadn't steered him wrong yet.

"Mr. Secretary," said the man, "at the request of Mr. Fortunato, we've gone over all the applicable data regarding the, ah, prophecies surrounding your tenure as Supreme Potentate. Unfortunately, our initial analysis suggests that there is no way to successfully defy the prophecy."

Carpathia frowned. "That is unfortunate," he muttered.

The taller woman smiled. "However! A deep analysis suggests that there is a solution." The other two advisors nodded at this.

"Well?"

The three advisors looked at each other. Carpathia's frown shifted into a scowl. "What is the solution? Don't just sit there, give it to me!"

On the straight line, the man reached into his coat, pulled out a strange-looking weapon and fired at Carpathia. The Secretary-General of the United Nations vanished in a cloud of greenish light and a faint whuffle sound. The taller woman pulled a similar raygun from her handbag and vaporized Fortunato. The shorter woman reached behind her, pulling a sword from thin air and bounded over the conference table with a ringing Farsi curse, decapitating Carpathia's security council.

"The solution, Nicolae," the man said cheerfully to Carpathia's empty chair, "is when the Antichrist comes around, kill him and take his stuff."

The taller woman dropped her gun back into her bag, fished around inside it for a second, then pulled out a tricorder. "PKE readings are all flat," she announced. "No physical or spiritual residue."

"Great," said the shorter woman as she cleaned the blood off her sword with a power tie. "I hate dealing with exorcisms."

"The question now, ladies," said the man, "is what shall we do with our new one world order?"

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"Regime Change"
Part 1 of "The Magnificent Trio vs. Left Behind"
(c) 2007 S. M. Breen